Stagger for Sobriety

I love the homeless. There is nothing I find more satisfying than helping the less fortunate and little people in my hometown of Victoria, British Columbia. That is why I am spending many hours organizing my new charity fundraiser to help the homeless - The Stagger for Sobriety. Basically it’s a 5 Kilometer run (that’s 50,000 decimeters) in Victoria, British Columbia to help homeless alcoholics.

I know what you’re thinking, “Tommy a 5KM run? How boring, only nerdlingers and weinerdinkers run.” Well that’s true, but here is the catch, it’s a 5KM run – but each runner will be drunk! Because let's face it, most people don’t know what it’s like to be homeless. They drive their Volvos, drink their Starbucks and pretend to care about the less fortunate by donating their used socks to charity at Christmas. GO TO HELL YOU SWEATER WEARING YUPPIE. I say the only way to help the less fortunate is to experience their hardship and understand the struggle they have.

Forcing people to run 5KM while drunk will make people realize the pain that homeless alcoholics have to deal with on a daily basis. Then and only then can we help them find an alternative to living on the streets.

At the start of the Stagger for Sobriety, we will supply beer and various donated hard alcohol to each runner. They will be required to consume a certain number of drinks before the start of the race and take a Breathalyzer to ensure they meet the "Gordon Campbell" level of drunkeness.

Here’s where it gets fun. At the starting gun, EVERYBODY HAVE TO RUN 5KM. If someone falls down or starts puking, we will gently hit them with a stick or metal pole and make them run the 5KM. There will be no tasers, so Polish Immigrants can feel safe. We will put you through 5 KM of Hell, but if the homeless can do it, you can do it.

All money raised will help fund costs to send homeless alcoholics of Victoria to Costa Rica for treatment.

We are still trying to get permits from the highly paid weasels that work in city hall (I mean weasel in the good way) so hopefully we will have a date soon. So start your training now!

The Stagger for Sobriety is not associated in any way with singer Leroy Stagger. We apologize for any confusion this may have caused.